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  He’d come to the conclusion that he’d just have to let Jordan stay and suck it up until he could figure out how and when to get her into bed and out of his system when suddenly, a devious thought planted itself into his head. He’d overheard the guys joking before dinner that night about hiring a prostitute for Cass for his 38th birthday coming up. The idea was ridiculous and highly disreputable, but now, it was causing the wheels to turn in Nate’s head. His plan was horrific, despicable, unthinkable…but it had to be done. It was what was best for her and maybe one day Jordan would thank him for saving her from the black hole that had become his life.

  So, without delay, after dinner, Nathan had set about getting heavily buzzed on his favorite liquor, and when he knew that it was enough, he put on his game face and headed upstairs. He ruffled his hair a bit, unbuttoned the first two buttons on his long-sleeved shirt and pulled the shirttail from his jeans, letting it fall half tucked in, half out. He made sure his gait was heavy and uneven as he sauntered up the stairs to Jordan’s door. He knocked twice and sighed, knowing that this encounter would be unpleasant but necessary.

  Chapter 4

  Jordan gasped and jumped at the same time as a knock came at her door. She glanced sharply at the digital alarm clock across from her seat, it read 11:32 PM. She gulped; it was late. She hoped everyone was alright. She’d been reading when she’d been interrupted. She dropped her book on the chaise and got up swiftly, glancing at herself in the full-length mirror next to the closet before heading toward the door. She hesitated only momentarily before grasping the knob and pulling the door open. She gasped as her eyes fell on Nate. He looked half drunk and in complete disarray, his eyelids drooping as he smiled crookedly at her. His hair was messy and his shirt hung off him. His eyes roved over her, and she remembered she was stark naked beneath her silk PJs. She felt flushed suddenly. Nathan took a step forward, swaying as he grabbed the door frame. He hiccuped.

  “Hi...” He leaned in towards her slightly and tried to balance himself.

  “Nate! What are you doing?”

  “I thought you might like some company.”

  “It’s bedtime. Why would I want some company?”

  “Exactly!” He lifted his finger unsteadily and smiled again. “I think I’m drunk.”

  “Yeah, I see that, but that doesn’t explain why you’re here,” she snapped and placed her hands on her hips.

  “I think we both know why I’m here.” His hand reached out and quickly grabbed her left wrist, his fingers lightly stroking her skin. She felt an unexpected tingle rush through her that had nothing to do with the sudden blast of anger she felt.

  “Nathan!” she protested and tried to pull her hand away but came up short. Her eyes met his then and another tingle shot through her core as she saw the look he was giving her. She gulped.

  “I’m horny,” he stated matter-of-factly.

  “And when did that become my problem?” Jordan smirked.

  “We can make an arrangement, I’m sure.”

  She was able to pull her hand away from him then and crossed her arms over her chest, stepping back slightly.

  He stepped forward and gripped her shoulders in his hands. “We live in the same house, right? You’re a single woman. I’m a single man. Why not take advantage of the opportunity before us?” His hot breath smelled of whiskey as it fell on her face, and she recoiled from his touch as anger overtook her.

  “Nathan, you’re my boss!”

  “Well, that never stopped you before, now did it?”

  He was referring to a rumor that had gotten started back a few years ago when she’d been accused of having an affair with her married boss in the loan department. In all truth, he had sexually harassed her for months before he’d started the rumor that she’d seduced him into having sex with her. She’d been demoted, humiliated and cussed out in front of the entire bank by his frumpy, bitchy, homely housewife. Jordan had held her tongue and declined to enlighten the poor woman that there’d been no mutual attraction there, but even to this day, Jordan had never spoken of the truth. The sudden pain that this reverie caused her only served to fuel the anger, like kerosene to a fire.

  “You shouldn’t believe everything you hear, Nate.” She turned away from him, consumed by her emotions.

  “What if you were to be compensated for your time?”

  She turned back toward him. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. “You want to pay me to have sex with you?”

  He shrugged and planted his hands on his hips. “What’d ya say?”

  “Of all the pig-headed, chauvinist things I’ve ever heard… Who the hell do you think you are?” When he didn’t answer, she continued, “How dare you even suggest such a thing?” She stepped forward, her finger wagging in his face.

  “Hey, don’t be so quick to judge. I’m not exactly the most popular man in town, you know?”

  “That’s no one’s fault but your own!” Her eyes narrowed.

  “I’ll write it into your salary if that would be more convenient for you or I can do hourly, whichever you prefer.”

  Her mouth fell open and before she knew what she’d done, she’d slapped him as hard as she could. His head snapped to one side, and her chest heaved as she tried to catch her breath.

  “I may be a lot of things Nathan Butler, but I’m no one’s whore, and I will be damned if I allow you to make me yours. Now get the hell out of my room!” She thrust her pointed finger at the door, and feeling a sudden chill, she crossed her arms over her breasts, looking down.

  He said nothing as he turned and exited her door. She was overcome with shock and anger. Again, he had surprised her by his cruelty and sheer audacity. It also hurt her that Nathan thought so cheaply of her. She didn’t really know why she cared, but for some reason, she did.

  She went to the window and threw it open to cool off. As the anger and humiliation slowly started to fade, pity took its place; pity for this man who’d let life turn him so bitter. She hurt for him and ached to soothe his pain. Pain that made him lash out so at others in any and every way possible, pain that had turned him against life, against himself. She closed the window and turned down her bed, crawling unwillingly into it.

  Then she cried, cried for this man she couldn’t help. She cried until she couldn’t cry anymore then she slept. Little did she know, downstairs, in another room of the house, Nathan was struggling with demons of his own.

  Nathan woke at dawn that next morning after a restless night’s sleep. His eyes burned and so did his left cheek, the one Jordan had smacked last night. He sighed and padded barefoot and naked to the bathroom where he showered and let the hot water seep into his skin.

  He felt more devoid of life than he ever had, hollow and empty inside. He had even more proof now of how unfit and unworthy he was to live. Murder wasn’t the most horrible thing he could do to a person; he’d seen that last night. He’d humiliated and disgraced Jordan and even though that’s what he’d originally sought to do, it had brought her more pain than if he’d shot her in the belly with a gun. He’d seen it in her face. What had he expected? Hadn’t he wanted that? Hadn’t he wanted to “break her and bend her to his will”? Hadn’t “pushing her away” been part of the plan.

  God, he wasn’t human anymore; he was simply the hollow shell of one. How could a human being ever be so cruel and unfeeling? The look on her face had torn down to his very soul, shredding his heart to pieces. He’d known she’d never take him up on his offer, not in a million years. He knew she was a better woman than to let a man take advantage of her, but he had made her believe he thought different… It had hurt her, and in turn, it had hurt him. He’d never thought he could stoop so low. He’d lost himself. Somewhere along the way he’d truly lost his humanity, and the scariest thing of all was that he didn’t know how to get it back. He wasn’t even really sure that he wanted it back or furthermore if he deserved it back. Maybe he was better off being a recluse and shunning others as a means to protect them from him
self. Maybe he didn’t deserve to rejoin society… Maybe it was better this way; better that they not see how truly sadistic he could be.

  He knew that he was going to have to find some way to apologize to Jordan. He really didn’t know how he could without looking like a pansy, but he knew that he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he didn’t.

  He finished his shower and dried off then dressed and headed toward the kitchen only to stop suddenly. What if that had truly been the last straw for her? What if his plan had worked and she’d actually quit? He panicked a little as he rushed over to the window. A burst of relief shot through him as he saw her car sitting in the carport. He should have known better. Jordan wouldn’t up and quit that easily.

  He listened hard at the base of the stairs for any sign that she was awake and afoot, but heard nothing. He checked his watch. It was just past eight in the morning. So, she must not be coming down to make breakfast! Good for her, she was defying him. Well, they both still had to eat and so did the guys, but Nathan was taking the day off, and he really didn’t want to have to make a big breakfast to have to clean up. He decided he would run into town and grab something to bring back.

  He grabbed his keys and savored the cool air on his face as he headed out the door. Birds chirped overhead as the sun began to touch the treetops. He should feel like smiling, any normal human being would be glad for this beautiful day, but not him. Not Nathan Butler. He was too disgusted with himself to enjoy anything. He hopped into his old light blue 57’ Chevy truck and started it, the too loud engine roaring to life.

  All along the way into town, he thought. He thought about what he needed to say and what he should say. There was no going back, and he wasn’t really sure that an apology would be good enough. He still couldn’t help but wonder if Jordan would stay or not. He didn’t deserve for her to stay, and she probably already knew that. What if she was packing her stuff at that very moment? Again, he highly doubted it, but he couldn’t completely dispel the thought. As rude and mean as he’d been to her, even if he had been trying to force her out, the thought of her leaving turned his stomach. This new revelation surprised him. God, he was losing his mind! First his soul… now his mind.

  He quickly turned into the busy parking lot of the little restaurant right off the highway aptly named Mama’s Kitchen. The place was too small, too old and practically looked like the last place on earth any person would want to eat, but Nathan had been coming here since he was a kid and knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that this place had the best biscuits in east Texas. He parked and hurried inside, his nostrils filling with the smells of bacon and strong coffee. He ignored the groans and eyes that pierced through him, tipping his hat to the people that dared to wave at him. He got in the long line for to-go orders and crossing his arms over his chest, he waited.

  He didn’t like being hated, which was one reason he usually avoided town, but he’d done it to himself. He knew that. These people didn’t expect much from him because he’d not given them reason to. He’d been in many fights, ruined some property, been arrested and had a constant sour disposition.

  Before he’d killed Troy Cameron, his life had finally turned around and for the first time in a very long time, things had been really good. He’d gotten comfortable at home and was enjoying spending much needed time with his family then after he’d killed Troy, he’d lost the desire to live himself. He’d alienated himself from almost everyone and everything, except his family. He couldn’t isolate himself from them, even when he’d tried. He was still angry with Natalie and resentful towards her, but he tried hard not to show it. He loved his sister, more than his own life even, and he’d known deep down inside himself that none of it was her fault, but that didn’t change the feelings he felt. It was wrong not to be able to forgive her, but again, it was just yet another example of how inhumane Nate really was.

  The line was starting to move, but it did nothing to settle the tension he felt in the air around him. Suddenly, his eyes were drawn downward to a flash of movement. A little girl in front of him was turning around in circles, her little pink dress catching the rays of sunlight streaming through the restaurant windows causing the dress to have a shimmering affect. Her mother scolded her, and she stopped, looking up at Nate. She was small, probably no older than four. Her eyes were blue and her chestnut brown hair was straight and long and touched her shoulders. She gave him a big smile, showing two tiny rows of perfectly straight, white teeth. Warmth spread through Nate, and he couldn’t help but think of his darling niece, Dallas. She was the only thing that was right in his life, and she utterly adored him, which, of course, made no sense to Nathan. Dallie’s sweetness was unavoidable, her laughter infectious, her love a ray of hope in a dismal world of darkness.

  The little girl waved at him, breaking his reverie. Nathan was drawn in by her innocence, and before he knew what he was doing, he crouched down in front of her and smiled. She was completely oblivious to the fact that Nathan was the town’s definition of outcast and unconcerned with the murmurs around her.

  “Hi,” she began in a musical little voice.

  “Hi,” Nate answered.

  “My name’s Gracie. Whas’ yours?” Her extended hand and little lisp made him smile even brighter.

  “I’m Nate. Glad to meet you, Gracie.” He gently took her small hand in his and pumped it once.

  “My bwother’s name is Nate too.” She beamed.

  “Well, how ‘bout that? It’s a small world after all,” Nathan replied.

  “What do you want to drink, sweetie?” Gracie’s mom called down and scowled at Nate as his eyes met hers. He stood then and tipped his hat at her. She, in turn, ignored him. He silently shrugged; he was used to people’s shuns.

  Once he got to the counter, he ordered seven different types of biscuits and coffees. He answered Gracie’s goodbye wave with one of his own on his way out. Kiss my ass, I’ll wave at the kid if I want to, was what he really wanted to say to the bystanders as he headed out the door with his breakfast and coffees.

  Once he got back to the ranch, he headed down to the barn first and dispersed five of biscuits and coffees among his hands then he drove to the house. He was relieved to once again see her white car parked in the carport as he parked beside it. So, she really wasn’t planning to leave then…

  Upon entering the house, he listened intently for any signs that she might be moving around but again, heard nothing. He went into the dining room and sat the sack of biscuits down and the coffees then headed back toward the front of the house. Well, let’s get this over with then, he thought as he walked upstairs. He took each step slowly, dreading the coming conversation but knowing that he couldn’t put it off forever.

  He was surprised to find her door open. His ears were greeted by smooth, relaxing music; something one would expect to hear in a massage parlor. He stopped at the doorframe and knocked lightly twice before entering. Jordan was there facing him, in the small sitting area adjacent to the bed in a tight sleeveless top and crop pants, hair pulled up in a ponytail, stretching in an unnatural position. She was bent at the waist, her feet planted on a yoga mat shoulder width apart. One hand was on the ground supporting her weight, the other was stretched 180 degrees from the other, towards the sky. He was getting a great shot of her ample cleavage, but it was her eyes that held him captive. They were red and puffy and looking at him in utter disgust. She put the other arm down then without bending her knees, pulled herself up and crossed her arms over her chest, her lips puckered and eyebrows lifted as if to say, What the Hell do you want?

  He answered her silent question, “I, uh, the door was open… I knocked.” She held still and silent. “I— I noticed you didn’t come down for breakfast.”

  “It’s my day off!” she answered, her tone rich with arrogance.

  Damn, he’d forgotten that. It was her day off.

  “I got you breakfast…” He tried to sound humble, as if he were offering her a gift of truce. “And coffee,” he ad
ded.

  She straightened and looked rather surprised. “Thank you,” she said shortly, but had softened her tone. He just nodded.

  He turned to leave then remembered that he had something else to tell her. “I, also... I thought that you might like to go riding today. Zack’s saddling up Remy and Sable for me.” She again looked surprised, her eyebrows arching up. “Get dressed and meet me downstairs in the dining room.” Her tongue licked at her bottom lip as she shifted her arms to her hips, reluctantly she nodded. “Ok, then I’ll see you down there in a few minutes.” Again, she only nodded.

  He turned then and headed back downstairs to wait for her in the dining room. When she came down to join him several minutes later, he had their biscuits unwrapped and waiting for them as well their coffees. She’d changed into old faded jeans and a purple gingham long-sleeved button-down shirt, her hair still pulled back in a pony tail. She reluctantly took the seat he’d prepared beside him.

  “Would you prefer sausage or tenderloin?” The tone with which he spoke to her sounded amusingly like that of one used by a hostage negotiator to the hostage taker.

  Her eyes remained down as she replied, “Tenderloin.”

  This frustrated him. For all the balls she seemed to have last night, she showed every sign of being castrated this morning. He gently pushed the tenderloin biscuit before her then pulled the sugar dish and creamer from the middle of the table to within their reach.

  “I didn’t know what you wanted in your coffee, so I just thought you could add it yourself.”

  “That’s fine, thank you,” she answered, eyes focused on the sugar. She placed several spoonfuls into the Styrofoam cup that Nathan had uncovered before she’d come down. She then stirred in some cream, looking up at him. “You need some?”